About toxic behavior.

Back in 2021, I decided to add a chapter on toxic leadership to my book “Human Logic – Cracking the Code of Human Behavior” because of the frequent times we at Human Logic Academy face the destructive fallout caused by toxic leaders.

In chapter 10 of my book, I write about the devastating effect of toxic behavior on others. If a relationship, whether at work or private, gradually erodes your self-confidence or self-worth and constantly leaves you second-guessing your own judgment, instincts and feelings, you may be the victim of sophisticated pathological manipulation, or worse: emotional abuse.

Toxic behavior is extremely disruptive and damaging. Research backs our personal experience that there are few things more damaging to society and organizations, their culture, and their people than pathological manipulation and emotional abuse.

Shifting baseline syndrome.

Toxic behavior is like a bad virus: it is contagious, it spreads fast, and eventually everyone carries the virus. It has the tendency to gradually destroy trust, civility, and freedom, all fundamental aspects defining a healthy society or organization. Once these fundamental traits are being eroded, a phenomenon called “shifting baseline syndrome” will cause the resulting unhealthy culture to be perceived and accepted as “normal”. Although it takes limited time to develop a toxic culture, the cost and time involved in repairing it may take a whole generation or more.

Due to shifting baseline syndrome, pathological manipulation and emotional abuse rapidly become the norm in toxic societies or organizations. In fact, the only way to survive in a toxic system is to become complicit in it, either actively or passively. Resisting active or passive participation in toxicity will make you an outlier, so the only options, other than participating, are to leave the toxic society or organization or to resist and fight.

With a few exceptions, most people living or working in a toxic society or organization are afraid to speak up or resist the toxic culture due to fear of losing their jobs or being personally harassed or abused. Management by fear is exactly the aim of toxic leaders.

There are usually three collaborating forces in a toxic society or organization:

The active force.

The first force is the active force: the abusers who actively instigate and spread the virus of toxicity. They are often people in position of official or unofficial power who make large, unrealistic promises, create chronic uncertainty through pathological lying and manipulation, and often create a common enemy to deflect the attention away from the real problems they cause.

The passive force.

The second force is the passive force: the people who passively endure and feed the toxic influencers without resistance, often the silent majority in a society or organization. They are rapidly reduced to “toxic fuel”, and gradually lose their self-determination and freedom, which–caused by shifting baseline syndrome–they only realize when it is too late.

The enabling force.

The third force is the enabling force; the organizational factors that enable toxic behavior to go viral, often caused by the active degradation or destruction of systems of good governance.

The strongman myth.

Abusive behavior is mostly a sign of mental weakness or vulnerability. In our experience, most abusive leaders combine high interpersonal sensitivity with behaviors suggesting narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, self-victimization, or passive-aggressiveness—or some combination thereof. In most cases, these behaviors stem from a foundation of personal trauma, often related to the abuser’s childhood and upbringing. Often, one or both of their parents were abusive, and the child learned that aggressive or manipulative behaviors are normal and reasonable solutions for wrongdoing. This bias of hostile attribution often leads to the development of either bullying or self-victimizing behavior during childhood, which, if successful, may carry over into malignant behaviors in adolescence and adulthood.

What people suffering from these personality disorders have in common is a deep fear of being exposed as weak, incapable, incompetent, or worthless. They hide their fears behind behaviors that demonstrate and confirm their grandiosity (either in fantasy or behavior), a tendency to take on the victim role (making you the culprit), an inflated and constant need for admiration, and selective sympathy—using sympathy only when it serves their goals, which, at first glance, is often mistaken for charisma and charm. They believe they are special and entitled to special rights and treatment, and they often come across as arrogant or haughty, as long as they don’t need you. If and when they do need you, abusers can be masters of charm and eloquence. However, as you may find out over time, they use these charismatic qualities only to serve their own purposes, often to the detriment of others.

If someone attacks, resists, or threatens to unmask abusers, they will respond either with relentless aggression or with paralyzing, self-victimizing, passive-aggressive behaviors that make you the perpetrator. They may use a variety of tactics, including:

Intermittent reinforcement.

Intermittent reinforcement is a form of abuse in which the abuser alternates praise and criticism in an unhealthy pattern. Intermittent reinforcement triggers the addiction center in the brain of the abused. It works like crack, making the abused crave more praise and try harder to meet the abuser’s expectations, which is how the abuser gains power over the abused.

Gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a pattern of pathological lying and distorting facts that causes the victim to question their reality and sanity, leading to a loss of self-trust. The gaslighter is not necessarily aiming to make the victim believe their lies but rather to create such confusion that the victim doesn’t know what to believe anymore. This confusion is how the gaslighter gains power over the victim.

Perverse triangulation.

Through perverse triangulation, the abuser actively turns others against you, causing you to doubt your own best intentions and eventually making you feel guilty for perceived wrongdoing. The individuals mobilized against you by the abuser are referred to as the abuser’s ‘flying monkeys.’ They often consist of members of the silent majority who unquestioningly follow the abuser’s distorted version of the ‘truth.’

Stonewalling.

Stonewalling is the active attempt to isolate someone by verbally and non-verbally indicating an unwillingness to engage, participate, or listen. It is often an effective strategy for the abuser to shift into the victim role, thereby pushing the abused into the role of the wrongdoer (see perverse triangulation).

Toxic people live in the bubble of their own distorted reality, unable to see or feel outside of it. Therefore, it is almost impossible to reach or influence them with reason, or to make them realize they should change.

How toxic behavior goes viral.

Some people thrive in a toxic organizational culture, whereas others suffer but nonetheless stay around as toxic fuel. Others will not adopt the unhealthy behaviors and rituals simply because they realize that it is unethical and wrong. They will leave voluntarily or they will be fired for refusing to be toxic fuel. This implies that over time, if and when toxicity isn’t actively eradicated, organizations will retain toxic people and those serving as their toxic fuel and lose the people who resist toxicity. This is how toxicity goes viral.

The fish start smelling from the head.

The key to successfully repairing and healing a toxic organization is a consistent and robust strategy to eradicate toxic behaviors at the individual level, a process that must be executed from the top down. Culture, after all, is the sum of individual behaviors, as one Japanese client succinctly put it: “Culture is the way we do things around here.” It’s crucial to recognize that culture is actively or passively influenced by top leadership. As one of my German clients once remarked, “Der Fisch stinkt immer vom Kopf her” (The fish always starts to smell from the head). Or as an early-career mentor used to say, “shit always trickles down.” Thus, efforts to cleanse an organization of toxicity must always begin at the top.

Why do organizations put up with toxic behaviors?

An intriguing question is: why do organizations tolerate manipulative or abusive behaviors? The answer is complex. It often involves a combination of not recognizing the signs of toxic behavior and the perceived value of the abuser’s talents that the organization fears losing. Many high-performing abusers exploit this knowledge, considering themselves untouchable. Unfortunately, they are often correct because higher management may lack the courage to intervene and eliminate toxic behavior. However, it’s crucial to understand that the collateral damage caused by toxic leaders or employees—regardless of their expertise—will eventually outweigh any benefits of keeping them on board.

Often, it is the organization itself that (not necessarily intentionally) amplifies toxic behaviors, facilitated by the three enablers mentioned earlier. The issue is that toxic behavior tends to perpetuate itself, gradually shaping a culture where manipulation and bullying, normalized over time due to shifting baseline syndrome, become the accepted norm.

Why do individuals put up with toxic bosses?

Another intriguing question is why so many employees tolerate their bosses’ toxic behaviors and accept the role of being the abusers’ fuel instead of seeking freedom by finding another job. Recent epidemiological studies suggest that at least 15% of employees report experiencing abuse from their current supervisor. This figure is likely conservative, as many victims of abuse hesitate to report their supervisor’s misconduct due to fear of retaliation.

One reason why employees may not leave a toxic work environment is that abuse can trigger the addiction center in the brain of the victim. Similar to how drugs like crack work, abuse can create a dependency, allowing the abuser to maintain power over the victim. Therefore, it is crucial to identify and address abusive behavior early on, before it spreads like a virus and irreparably weakens your organization.

Do abuse and behavior styles correlate?

The answer is a definitive “No!” Emotional abuse is not restricted to any specific behavior style. It can manifest in overt, aggressive ways, often seen with Driver or Expressive style abusive leaders, or in covert, passive forms, typically associated with Analytical or Amiable style abusive leaders. Regardless of the style, both overt and covert toxic behaviors are harmful to others. Toxicity presents itself in various forms, some more conspicuous than others, yet all equally damaging. Recognizing how toxic behaviors correlate with and vary among behavioral styles can aid in identifying signs of toxic leadership early on. For more in-depth insights, refer to chapter 10 of my book “Human Logic – Cracking the Code of Human Behavior,” available on our website.

The choice we have.

While it might seem difficult to decide between the comfort and security of staying in the silent majority of passive enablers or actively resisting pathological manipulation and abuse, choosing passivity willl ultimately reduce you to toxic fuel and erode your self-determination and freedom. Although comfortable initially, this choice will eventually backfire in the long run, badly damaging both the individual and the organization.